Microwaves to boost shelf life of SNP assertions

Scottish innovation and creativity set to assist Nationalists with their current substanceless assertion credibility gap.

Just pop your "exact answer" or substanceless assertion in for a couple of minutes and hey presto it's shelf life is increased 100 fold. Ptiy it won't last for two years.

Just pop your “exact answer” or substanceless assertion into the microwave for a couple of minutes and hey presto it’s shelf life is increased 100 fold. Pity it won’t last for two years.

By Naekred Ability

A NEW way of extending the shelf life of SNP assertions has been developed by Edinborrow scientists using microwave technology.

Researchers from Queen Anne University claimed that assertions such as those witnessed in John Swindley’s recent Lords committee appearance could be “sustained for more than a single second.”

The process has already allowed some SNP politicians to increase production of substanceless assertions.

The microwaves pasteurise the assertions by killing scepticism and scrutiny in the target audience allowing the lack of substance to last longer.

The  project was developed by Queen Anne University researchers in dodgyethics and substanceless assertion sciences along with cynical PR firm’s Advanced Bullshit Technologies Ltd (ABT).

It has been trialled on the Scottish public through media channels such as Newsnicht Skintland and Skintland Thenicht.

Exciting Deceptions

ABT’s Kevin Pringleheid said: “Our political business was fairly limited until we spotted the major flaw in SNP assertions.

“The majority of the SNP’s assertions lack substance or credibility and usually both. This technology, while not able to add substance or credibilty, will increase the shelf life of the assertions.

“It might not help the SNP over the European question – that credibility has disappeared – but it could assist with a nuclear free Scotland under the NATO umbrella and a seat at the Bank of England as equal partners in the sterling zone.”

Youan Crawford, bullshit development manager at Queen Anne University, said: “This has been an illuminating collaboration with ABT.

“Following successful results from their parliamentary trials, politicians are now accepting that the ABT machine could be a game-changing piece of technology with politicians transforming their substanceless assertions and reaping the rewards.”

Cynics such as Tory Labour MSP Jaquie Motteandbailey said: “It’s true that this technology helped extend the Firstminster’s substanceless assertion that he had given parliament ‘as exact an answer as anyone has ever given to parliament’.

“But he still had to come back hours later because what shouldn’t have sustained for a single second was still ultimately found out for its lack of substance.”

SNP minsters pants have been spontaneously catching fire since they began using the ABT technology in May 2011.

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Filed under Law, Morality, Newspeak

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