Firstministerial Salmond’s Nonsense – the abridged version

The chief contribution of Nationalism to human thought is its massive proof that Moses Salmond is a bore. AhDinnaeKen is ashamed to present the abridged version of the droneathon speech by the anointed one for the delectation and approval of his sovereign people. ZZzzzzzz!

“A thing moderately good is not so good as it ought to be. Moderation in temper is always a virtue; but moderation in principle is always a vice.” – Thomas Paine. Welcome to the SNP, the party of vice and compromised principles

By Moses Salmond

THIS IS how it was. I was on the platform yesterday – on a first ministerial platform with my kleptocratic warmonger ticket.

Anyway, several of these bleeding heart integrity types came up to me impudently doing their job and I just said to them. “Don’t you know who I am bawbags? I’m the Firstminster without principle” and they said “sure – and we’re the Gillies o’ Faslane! Get oot o’ this conference.”

There is a serious point for us and for Scotland. Why on earth do we allow this bunch of turncoat Laird Snouty Nationalists to be in positions of authority over oor country?

And why does the Scottish National Party believe they can survive getting into bed with a United States dominated tactical first strike nuclear alliance?

Delegates, when I laid doon my proclamations I spoke of the need to lay to rest oor alleged principles on weapons of mass destruction.

I said that I don’t trust any of ye’s especially they hauf witted fearties of sovereign Scotland.

It was distrust, based not on a result or a vote, but on the way I knew this party of oors would cave in on the pretence of having any principles.

And yesterday, have no doubt, we saw one of the finest sellouts of principle since Tony Blair (blessed be his name) sold out on Clause 4.

Conference, there are good reasons why the people of Scotland have placed their trust in the SNP over two Scottish elections – they despise the Tories and they can’t stand Labour.

Who else was left to vote for? The Lib-Dem whores? Stupit question – sorry!

Of coorse it wiz us – all things to all people. The everyman party.

Today, my people of Scotland know, because of the manner in which I have conducted myself, that I am a Firstminster of many faces and chins, more than capable of saying one thing while meaning another.

Friends, the two years that lie ahead are the most important in our party’s history and the most tedious in our country’s recent history. To secure a better future for our pension pots, for our corporate friends, for our egos.

A FUTURE WHICH STARTS WITH A BIG BOY ENDORSED VANITY PROJECT

Earlier this week I met with a Bullingdon Toff to sign THE DECLARATION OF CONTEMPT 2012.

AN AGREEMENT WHICH GIVES OOR BIG PARISH COONCIL UNCHALLENGED LEGAL AUTHORITY TO SPLIT THE COUNTRY, WHICH AGREES TO ANTAGONISE THE ENGLISH, DISRESPECTS THE OUTCOME’S REPERCUSSIONS AND COMMITS BOTH GOVERNMENTS TO TELL GREAT BIG LIES ABOUT EACH OTHER IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF WRESTING POWER FOR OURSELVES

DELEGATES, IT IS NOW A NONSENSEATHON FOR SCOTLAND

This vanity project creates that once in a career opportunism.

AND CONFERENCE, THAT INCLUDES THE NEW GENERATION 16 AND 17 YEAR OLDS, YOUNG SCOTS WHO CANNAE LEGALLY SMOKE, DRINK, BUY FIREWORKS OR PLACE A BET IN THE BOOKIES.

DELEGATES IT IS NOW COME AND HUV A GO IF YOU THNK YOU’RE HARD ENOUGH TIME FOR SCOTLAND.

(AhDinnaeKen interrupt: – this ‘NONSENSE’ drones on for pages and pages worth of Barnum statement drivel about how great the Scots are and how we are being held back by the imperialist subjugating oppressive yoke of the imaginary mankie tattie English etc etc etc…yawn yawn zzzzzzz. The following is an abridged version of the rest.)

FAIRER NATION…BASTARD ENGLISH…INCLUSIVE PROGRESSIVE PEOPLE…BASTARD ENGLISH TORIES…AMBITIOUS CONFIDENT SCOTS…JEALOUS BASTARD ENGLISH…SAOR ALBA…F**K OFF ENGLAND…PARCEL OF SNP EGOS…SNOOTY BULLINGDON TOFF BASTARD ENGLISH…WE SHALL OVERCOME…ENGLISH BASTARDS…KUMBAYA MY LORD…BASTARD ENGLISH…HUMAN DECENCY…OPPRESSIVE BASTARD ENGLISH.

Together, we say Yes. TO BURNING THE BUTCHER’S APRON AND DANCING TO REBEL FLUTE TUNES.

SAOR ALIBABA FAE THE SNP.

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4 Comments

Filed under Morality, Newspeak, Referendum

4 responses to “Firstministerial Salmond’s Nonsense – the abridged version

  1. daftquine

    I’m very grateful for this as I have been hosting guests this weekend and was unable to see Oor Dear Leader’s speech. It’s as I thought though. He’s Simplythebestbetterthanalltherest!
    How could we possibly think any other party has our interests at heart?
    How could we trust them when we know they drop their principles in pursuit of power at all costs?

    How could we?

  2. Thankyou Daftquine

    Indeed, how could we. You’d have to be a TRAITOR to your country to think otherwise.

    Regards

  3. Indeed thank for the precis, Longshanker. Saw a bit of the speech on TV, but since the Nats were criticising Miliband, Cameron et al for making speeches of rhetoric rather than substance I assumed that the address I’d been watching was an old one.

    But your summary has cleared it all up, particularly the capitalised paragraph third from last ;0)

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