Methadone to be ringfenced as a universal benefit by SNP

Opiate substitute has proved so successful in suppressing petty crime rate that it’s set to be rolled out to the general public

Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of hauf-truth wi’ nae common sense. That’s the SNP’s Road to Ruin Universal Benefit that is. Or mebbes it’s their manifesto. It’s hard to tell.

By Ootma Heidman

SNP DRUG PUSHERS have ordered a top level review of of the government’s methadone free for all, thanks to AhDinnaeKen.

A partisan ad hoc panel led by Chief Druggy Sir Methydrone Man will probe the latest threat to the on-the-street skag trade.

The move comes after an AhDinnaeKen campaign revealed how state subsidised chemists were rolling in the moolah thanks to a carte blanche SNP sponsored prescription/distribution network.

AhDinnaeKen exposed cases where junkies and dealers had built up small and medium enterprises selling on pharmacy scammed methadone.

In some instances grants were made available through the Scottish Enterprise agency. No records are kept and doses are issued at pharmacists ‘discretion’.

Politicians and campaigners were last night queuing up to praise this latest Universal Benefit to be protected from proposed Red Tory cuts.

SNP Junior Minster for Hypocrisy, Idiocy and Bigoted Cybernat Protection, Roseanna Cuntingham, praised AhDinnaeKen for “exposing the nonsense and empty rhetoric at the heart of the Unionist parties drugs policy.”

She added: “Now would be a good time for a Labourer geek to to put in a Freedom of Misinformation request so that we can kick this topic into the long grass where it belongs.”

Since Johann Lament’s recent Declaration of Unelectability, the SNP have decreed that they will deliver free methadone for all at the point of need.

Deaths due to direct and indirect use of the opiate substitute have almost doubled since the SNP were elected in 2007, resulting in savings of almost £6 million in unemployment benefit, housing benefit and lower crime rates.

SNP junkie crackheid stoner and mad wae it eccie heidbanger spokesperson, Wee Naebudy said: “If we make methadone access a Universal Benefit it will have knock on effects which will benefit the rest of society.”

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Filed under Morality, Newspeak, Referendum

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