Iain Drunken Smyth ordered to press home Tory crusade against Nationalist mendicants

Willfully blind firebrand unveils new plan to systematically cull workshy Scottish beggars

“There are people who can never forgive a beggar for their not having given him anything.” – Iain Drunken Smyth. Guess that’s another 100,000 Yes votes in the bag. Hurrah for the SNP’s best recruitment partners – the coalition Tories.

By Fillan Thropist

UNDER EMPLOYED Scottish political windbags could soon be culled in a bid to save cash for the Bullingdon treasury.

Hurt and Tensions Secretary Iain Drunken Smyth said that the coalition was fed up acting like a charitable parent to the ‘weanish’ Whollyrude parliament.

On a visit to Glasgone, Mr Drunken Smyth said that the sight and smell of stale pish, vomit and mars bar suppers was unsustainable and must be stopped.

And the best way to do it was to cut off the money supply while culling the biggest drain on resources, the Whollyrude MSPs.

The radical plan is expected to be enacted by an act of parliament following the defeat of the Neverendum whenever the Scottish Sun decides to call it.

But top Scottish political windbag Keeper o’ Unofficial Secrets, Privy Cooncillor, Firstminster Eck defended the right of Scottish MSPs and Minsters to spend Westminster money with reckless abandon.

He said: “Nemo me impune lacessit ya Tory bas. We’ve got Freedom of Information commissioners tae take tae coort and that’s no chape at a hunner grand a pop.”

The divine one’s righteous appeal has fallen on Drunken Smyth’s deaf and unsympathetic ears.

The Hurt and Tension Secretary said: “Quoque vegrandis, quoque penuriosus, quoque bardus. And ye’ll never be anything else.

“As I believe they say in the vernacular in this hellish place – Get Ower It Ya Bams!”

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4 Comments

Filed under Morality, New Bills, Referendum

4 responses to “Iain Drunken Smyth ordered to press home Tory crusade against Nationalist mendicants

  1. daftquine

    I like ‘Whollyrude’. Yes it fits very well:)
    I’m surprised that Mr Drunken Smyth, apparently in all sobriety, has the Gall to question the DL’s and his Sidekick Swindley’s accounting. Today will be interesting. Swindley’s saving the country. Canna wait.

  2. “Quoque vegrandis, quoque penuriosus, quoque bardus.”

    Ah. Keep on hearing that in Dundee, but never knew what it meant until now, hehe.

    Seriously, though, please go easy on the Latin. I have enough problems with some of the Scots patois without faffing about on Google with the more arcane stuff ;0)

  3. Cheers Daftquine

    With any luck it will be a budget instead of a bribery fudget.

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