EXCLUSIVE: Come the day of independence when Scotland frees itself from the oppressive shackles of Westminster subjugation, AhDinnaeKen uncovers a new “porridge” test designed to keep the new Scottish community safe and free from traitorous thoughtcrime
By Joan McCarthyalpine
NO VOTERS, devo-max sympathisers, pro-British types and anti-Scots were given advanced warning last night of a new loyalty test set to be introduced in post-independence Scotland.
Known as the “porridge test”, those suspected of anti-Scottish behaviour will be expected to pass with flying colours or face further “progressing”.
Originally put forward in a parliamentary motion by Gauleiter for Community Safety and Thoughtcrime, Roseanna Cuntingham, the “porridge test” is intended to ensure the continuity of SNP McCarthyalpineism and Presbyterian style Scottish intolerance.
Influenced by Norman Tebbit’s mostly ineffective 1990s “cricket test”, the new post independence Scottish version will be based upon four basic questions: formulated to reflect the four ancient kingdoms of the oppressive UK.
Bleeding heart opponents have attacked the inherent unfairness of the test but have been severely rebuked by the Nationalist forces of Patriotic Purity.
According to the patriotic puritans there has never been a country with “so many back stabbing TRAITORS” and the deficiency must be “corrected”.
First to take the porridge test will be the bleeding hearts followed by the pro-British and finally the most dangerous of all – the anti-Scots.
Anti-Scots could be anyone. They could be your neighbour, they could be your boss, your teacher, your granny, your pet, your lover, your children and, most dangerous of all, they could be YOU!
AhDinnaeKen has managed to obtain a draft copy of the questions as originally Blackberryed by Roseanna Cuntingham:
1) Have you ever voted for Labour/Lib-Dem/Tory/Non-SNP political party?
2) Do you support Rangers?
3) Did you vote No in the Frrreeeeddddooooommmmm™ referendum?
4) Do you agree that Sun King Alex of Salmond is a bloated vain egotist?
If you can answer No under a polygraph to all of these questions then you are safe, you are probably a member of the SNP, enjoy malt Whisky, keep porridge in a drawer and don’t wear a thong under your kilt.
Answering Yes to one of these questions puts you in the “potential danger” category. You will be expected to attend a Curriculum of Pure Re-education course made up by Mike Bernhard Rust-ell on the back of a non-nicotine fag packet.
Yes to two questions will result in a 13 week stay at a Government appointed hostel specially set up for “rehabilitable” traitorous backstabbing types.
Positive answers to three questions puts you in the “danger to the state” category and you will be incarcerated followed by a year long prison programme of Scottish indoctrination. By the end of the programme you will be able to sing all the words to Flower of Scotland without using the phrase “ta tum ta tee” at any point in the song.
If you are heinous, traitorous and backstabbing enough you will have answered Yes to all four questions.
Expect no mercy. You are probably an English Westminster politician dedicated to the subjugation and oppression of all ‘right thinking’ Scots while stealing their oil and keeping it a secret for 30+ years.
After a humiliating publicly broadcast show trial expect to be thrown off the battlements of Edinborrow Castle.
A spokesperson for Roseanna Cuntingham said: “The trouble with Scotland is that it is full of traitorous backstabbing Scots. We must flush them out with Porridge Nocta.”