NHS reports that Scots are drinking less alcohol and turning to free methadone instead
By Joy Less Scunner
SCOTTISH NATIONALISTS were last night celebrating the success of their Jakey Apartheid prohibition campaign before it has even properly begun.
People in Scotland are drinking less alcohol according to the NHS and have instead turned to methadone.
The surprise but welcome shift by sovereign Scots is laid firmly at the door of affordability.
Methadone is currently subscribed for free to those considered most in need of a drink in order to drown out Neverendum boredom.
The amount of pure alcohol sold in North Britain fell by 90% between Sturgeon’s rock and a sober place.
However, alcohol sales remained stubbornly popular among those who enjoy a social life and ignore politics.
High Priestess Sturgeon has said this group will remain in her sights and will be specifically targeted and punished by the 50p per alcohol unit supermarket tax bonus giveaway.
The downward trend in retail sales was visible across all drink categories, with the exception of methadone which is prescribed for free in high street pharmacies.
In May, joyless drone MSPs passed legislation which will make the Scottish goverment the first in the civilised world to aid supermarkets with their top down profiteering.
And in October last year a new anti-discount proclamation came into force in Alba Dal Riata Caledonia which meant that anyone who enjoyed a drink and a smoke would fully realise just how joyless and intolerant a country Scotland was rapidly becoming under the SNP.
High Priestess of Presbyterian Prohibition (Jakey Apartheid Division) Auld Nick Sturgeon said: “This legislation will not be able to be considered truly successful until we have cut alcohol consumption to zero. Then we will introduce our compulsory Moses Salmond I Bible reading classes as compensation.”
Disorganised opposition Ned, Buckfast Commando said: “F**ks sake man. The shinner the SWA Young team rattle Sturgeon’s sanctimonious baws the better.
“Still, that free methadone lasts ye the full day, so it’s no that bad.”