With the marriage of the SNP to first strike nuclear alliance NATO set to take place in October, AhDinnaeKen unveils the vows and ceremony which will seal the unhappy couple in unholy matrimony.
By Selloot Quizlingz
DEARLY DELUDED, we are gathered here today in the sight of God, and in the presence of his party, to unite the SNP and NATO in unholy matrimony.
Marriage was ordained by God in Holyrude and confirmed in Angus of Robberson by the presence of the Lord Himself, and is declared by the inspired Apostle Alex to be dishonourable among all men. It is therefore, not to be entered into unadvisedly or glibly; but opportunistically, cynically and in the fear of a No vote. It is fitting therefore, that we should on this occasion, begin by asking God’s blessing on this marriage service. Let us pray that the public swallow it.
Presentation of Bride
Pastor – “Who gives this military alliance to be married to this political party?”
Party’s father (and God) – “The sovereign people of Scotland and I do.
To the Drone Congregation
Unholy Marriage should be a dreadful occasion. It is connected in our thoughts with the magic charmlessness of betrayal of principle, and with all that is unpleasant and unattractive as being one of the most important sell-outs of our lives. It is scandalous and dividing, it is like the mystical relation between Christ and Satan and is therefore the most detrimental and dysfunctional covenant known in diplomatic relations.
From the Story of Creation in the manifesto of the party: For God created the party in his own image….then the Lord formed the drones from shit on his shoe, and breathed into his nostrils the stench of duplicity; and the drones became like living beings…then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the SNP should stand alone; I will put forward a first strike tactical nuclear alliance as the ideal militaristic partner for the party.
To the Bride and Groom
It is your duty SNP, to be to NATO a considerate, tender, faithful, loving spouse: to support, guide and cherish her nuclear weapons in prosperity and particularly in trouble; to thoughtfully and carefully enlarge the submarine berth she holds in your nation state; to constantly show to her the tokens of your economy, to lead her into danger and to cherish for her a manly mega-tonnage of unalterable mass destruction.
If you are ready to assume the obligations and duties before God, as I have defined them, you will unite your hands and pledge your love and countless lives to each other.
Pastor — Do you SNP, standing in the presence of God and these witnesses, solemnly pledge your faithlessness to your manifesto. Do you promise to live with NATO’s nuclear weapons according to God’s ordnance in the unholy estate of first strike nuclear matrimony; do you promise to maintain her missiles, comfort them, honour and keep them, in peace and in war, and forsaking all others, keep yourself unto them and through God’s gracelessness to promise to be to them a faithful and devoted warmonger as long as you both shall live.
Groom — FFS! Dae Ah Huv Tae!
Pastor to Groom — SNP, have you a token of love for NATO?
(The worst man hands the Trident missiles to the Iron Fist Minister)
Pastor to Bride — NATO, do you receive these Trident missiles of the same on your part?
Bride — I do. (Groom puts Trident missiles in brides submarines)
The nuclear missile is the outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual bond which unites America and 27 other countries in endless conflict. The missile, the emblem of eternal destruction, the warhead, the type of what is least tarnished and most explosive — it is to show how transient and destroyable is the faith now pledged. Let the missile, a fit token of that which is irresistible, continue to be to you both a symbol of the value, the purity, and the constancy of true wedded alliance, and the seal of the vows in which you have both pledged your most solemn and sacred dishonour.
By the authority committed unto me as a First Minister of the Manifesto of the Church of the Scottish National Party, I declare that SNP and NATO are now husband and wife according to the ordnance of God and the law of the independent state of Scotland, in the name of the President, and of the Poodle, and of the Unholy Military Alliance, Amen.