I’m Deirdre and I’m here to help. With the help of my team of plutocrats, power mongers and rich men with big cheque books, I reply individually to around one Scottish Firstminster Sun King a week, answering political, social, economic and cultural problems for all issues
DREACH COUNTRIES in short kilts make most Firstminsters think about power, but now I’m totally out of control.
I think about power all the time. I get more than my rightful share, but no matter how much I get, it’s never enough.
I’m 59 and look great in tartan troos and have a very high self-regard drive. I’ve been in opposition for a few years but that doesn’t mean I’ve been spending my days without influence.
I’ve totted up I’ve had 1320 party positions in the last 30 years.
I first gained some proper-ish power in 2007. It was unexpected and it seemed like all the Scots voters who weren’t anti-Scottish cringers had decided to give me a chance to prove myself.
They were showing their desire for change and flirting with me to see what I was capable of. It didn’t take long until some smart Alex ruined it aw and came up wi’ the idea of an independence referendum.
I smiled as I knew that without a majority in the Big Cooncil there would be nae chance o’ that happenin’. And it didnae!
By 2011, my chat-up lines had improved and even mare eejits were taken in. But Christ, an unachievable overall majority – whit wis that aw aboot?
Noo, I’ve hud tae caw a Neverendum and don’t ken whit tae dae. My biggest problem at the moment is Trident and bloody NATO – never mind one or two question ballot papers.
Ah think ah can get away wi’ the unpardonable folly of membership o’ NATO – despite huvin cawed them some pretty bad things in the past – but ah don’t think ah’m gonnae get away wi’ Trident this time.
Do you have any advice for a Firstminster short on ideas who’s lookin’ to trade some cheap nuclear weapons wi’ his nearest neighbours.
Yours for Scotland
It sounds like you’re using the thrill of power to fill up some black hole of egomania inside you. Power makes you feel great for a while, but as you’ve found, it doesn’t last too long until you really have to act with a modicum of Realpolitik responsibility.
This addiction to power will probably go back to chasing older childless women when you were young.
If you were over indulged, spoiled or given carte blance as a child then those narcissistic feelings will be getting in the way of you achieving real power.
You need to take a step back and find help.
Trading in Nuclear weapons is a dicey potentially career killing strategy when playing with the big boys. My leaflet “Addicted to Power – What to do when Trident and Nuclear weapons become an issue.” explains where to find understanding and support.
Don’t rely on the electorate. They’re likely to be highly critical and vote you out of power at the next opportunity if you get it wrong. The anti-Scottish hauf wits.