Weekend Preachologue – Salmond searches for Chib of Destiny

Symbolic weapon of Scots Wars of Independence could help win referendum in 2014

Scotland 1 England 0 in the opening five minutes of the Battle of Bannockburn

Robert De Bruce brought a new interpretation to the phrase “I’ll smash yer heid in” as ably demonstrated to Sir Henry De Bohun.

By Yahoo Mortoon

AN EXPERT last night claimed to have cracked the secret of the Chib of Destiny – it’s hidden in Ayrshire.

Historian YH Mortoon believes the axe used by Robert De Bruce in the opening skirmish of the Battle of Bannockburn may have been taken to Kilwinning Abbey in Ayrshire by the remnants of the mysterious Knights Templar sect.

The Scotlandwide search for the lost militaristic artefact has been immortalised in the legend of King Robert De Bruce and his ‘chibbing’ of English noble Sir Henry De Bohun.

Many say that this skirmish symbolised the differences between the two nations and the ensuing historic victory by the Scots.

YH Mortoon said: “This small incident became in a larger sense a symbol of the war itself: the one side heavily armed but lacking agility; the other highly mobile and open to opportunity.”

Robert De Bruce is reputed to have outmanoeuvered the heavily armed Englishman and buried his ‘chib’ deep in the skull of the unfortunate noble.

De Bruce’s axe shaft was broken but the axe head remained embedded in the cranium of his unlucky adversary.

It is believed by Mortoon that the axe head was rescued by the remnants of the Knights Templar and taken back to their spiritual home in Ayrshire.

Mortoon said: “It is possible the Chib is in Kilwinning or Irvine.

“Several places have been pinpointed, but all of them are false.

“Kilwinning and nearby Irvine had the highest concentration of ex-Templar Knights in Scotland.

“It is worth remembering that the Bishop of Kilwinning part wrote the Declaration of Arbroath.

“Historical lore refers to the Bishop’s mystical ‘handmaiden’ – widely believed to be the nun Jejune De Florette – but I believe the ‘handmaiden’ was in fact the axe head.”

Rumours have been circulating throughout Holyrood that Sun King Alex of Salmond has been secretly searching for the mystical chib – believed to have nation changing powers.

He believes that its power and symbolism may indeed be enough to sway the undecided Scots who may hold the ‘destiny’ of the nation come the referendum in 2014.

But the SNP are keeping shtoom over these revelations due to fear of the ‘chib’ falling into the wrong hands.

Spokesperson for the SNP Wee Naebudy said: “Mortoon’s theory is plausible and an interesting starting point, but if anyone thinks we need the ‘chib’ to win the referendum vote they’re almost exactly right.”


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Filed under Culture, Fable, Referendum

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