As Newspeak a la Saatchi & Saatchi is set to sweep through the Scottish National Party, AhDinnaeKen interviews a leading proponent of the Just Say Yes (Please) online wizardry campaign.
By Scotsoc Duckspeak
THE BUILDING look’s cheap and tawdry and somewhat like a modern cinema multiplex.The message hastily assembled above the entrance is even cheaper and even more tawdry: “Campaign Work Sets You Free™” it blares unconvincingly.
After a kindly minimum wage usher gives me directions, I find myself standing in the back office of the Just Say Yes (Please) campaign, Room 101.
On the walls, hastily tacked up with saltire coloured blue tack are posters of the Right Honourable Sun King Alex of Salmond; ‘Wee Blether is Watching You’ its sinisterly genial message.
Behind an imposing desk cluttered with printouts of positive tweets and other desperate messages of hope sits Angus Robberson, the SNPs Chief Independence Ambassador.
It is his job to get the positive message of, not independence, but an independent Scotland out to the disinterested, disaffected and disenfranchised populace.
He knows that the fervently self deceived will vote Yes come the neverendum, no matter the campaign message, so they aren’t his target demographic.
Firmly in his sights are the undecided – the numpty heids – he affectionately calls them.
He believes that the SNP have learned the lessons of the Obama online wizardry campaign which helped elect the American shibboleth of a black man as president.
“The spatio temporal dispersal brought about by electronic technology creates an infinite nomadism that is not necessarily a condition of exile.” he says in an opening gambit.
“Though independence no longer seems possible, an Independent Scotland is not inescapable.” he nods, as if in agreement with himself.
My look of ‘what the f**k are you talking about’, galvanises his response.
He adds: “Under the old campaigning styles, political parties stick to traditionally rigid, compartmentalised and dichotomised, organisational structures.
“We see the management of our campaign as a synthetic-analytic critical force in the age of new media dynamics and synergies.
“We aim to interface with enablers and mavens in order to challenge clarity and simplicity.
“In short, we aim to scunner the voters into right thinking in the provision of positive outcomes.”
When I look despairingly at the door and whether or not I can escape this Room 101, he smiles and says “Don’t worry son, it can all be summed up in our new simplified communication meme:
NATO is Peace
Freedom is Monarchy
Ignorance is SNP Policy
I pretend to be impressed with this Scotsoc Newspeak and, convinced of my approval, Mr Robberson let’s me go safe in the knowledge that I will spread the zeal.