Yes Campaign at fault for suicidal Scottish suicide rates

Just Say Yes (Please) Campaign blamed for Scottish suicide rate 1320% higher than England’s.

The Just Say Yes Campaign is so boring and made me so depressed, that I tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to a Cybernat.

By Goodsam Aritan

RESEARCHERS SAY action is needed to reduce suicide rates due to Independence boredom in Scotland.

For the first time, independent researchers have identified the reasons behind the catastrophic phenomenon.

The report from Manchester and Edinburgh Universities, said the way patients and voters react to the Just Say Yes (Please) campaign could be partly to blame.

They said this “Scottish cringe effect” will lead to more Scots voters taking their lives.

Their report, published in the Journal of Important Stuff & Community Sanity, reveals a complex picture with smoking bans and alcohol prohibition, along with deprivation of Firstminster parliamentary answers, all playing their part.

Problems arising from mininum pricing on alcohol accounted for 33% of the “excess” suicides in Scotland and deprivation of fags in pubs during the fitba for 24%.

The researchers from Edinburgh and Manchester Universities, who had first identified the higher level of suicide in Scotland, suggested that unresolved Greengos/Nats wrangles, could be one reason for the higher suicide level.

They said 42% of the additional suicides could be directly attributed to the Just Say Yes Campaign’s Declaration of Cinemaplex Seven.

Inappropriate campaigning

Professor Louis Applebyebye of Manchester University, one of the report’s authors, said some Scottish voters appear to expect ‘Full Independence’ to solve their problems – and despicable Unionists are more likely to proscribe it.

He said the use of morally superior Just Say Yes medicine to treat symptoms, rather than the cause of the depression or anxiety being tackled, could explain the higher Scottish suicide rates.

“It is difficult to know if the problem lies with the Just Say Yes Campaign or the Nationalists,” he said.

“It could be either inappropriate policies – or false premises.”

The report said there was conclusive evidence that levels of Independence boredom were greater in Scotland than elsewhere in the UK.

But co-author, Professor Steve Pratt of Edinburgh University said: “We acknowledge that one interpretation is that the Just Say Yes Campaign is tediously boring.

“From both the empirical and anecdotal evidence we can only concur that it is indeed 100% correct and it has thus had this detrimental effect on the Scottish voting public.”

Between 25th May – 11th June the suicide rate in Scotland was 1320% higher than in England, while for young Scots it was twice as high.

But rates, while continuing to rise, have risen exponentially.

The Scottish government said that action was being taken, and the number of suicides in this period was among the highest since God created the Earth 4,000 years ago.

SNP spokesperson Wee Naebudy said: “Too wee, too poor and too stupit ur we? These figures show that we can hammer England in the suicide stakes.”

SNP pledge to make Independent Scotchland a ‘joyless’ place to live

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