Posted by Sun King Alex of Salmond MSP on May 31, 2012, Zzzz
TODAY, NOT for the first time since the beginning of devolution, the elected Nationalist representatives of the Scottish electorate, gathered here today in this Scottish Parliament, will go on and on and on and on aboot independence.
An independence, that stands alongside the other nations of these isles, as whingers, nitpickers and out and out scunners. This Scottish Parliament has achieved virtually hee haw in its short life span – the hacking non-admission ban, our world leading Doosan jobs silence and new legislation to help bring aboot full alcohol prohibition – these are just a few of many backward insular steps
But this Parliament is clearly unable to make many of the adult decisions affecting the lives of every man, woman and child in Scotland, because they quite rightly dinnae trust the SNP. Since devolution I, as a Parliamentary Firstminster and as a person, have shown we I can be just as poor as Damocles Cameron at running doon oor ain health service, schools, local government, police and courts and much else besides.
Indeed, Dennis Carandvan has made this very point – drawing upon 26 years as a member of Parliament at Westminster and a further 8 years as a member of this Parliament, his developing dementia has led him to the conclusion that Scotland’s future lies as an independent something.
The point is, if we are incapable of doing any things successfully for ourselves, why should we be trusted with running our economy, our pensions and misrepresenting ourselves on the world stage? And why should we take the decision to rid Scotland of the obscenity of nuclear weapons when we know the Americans urnae gonnae be too happy aboot it?
I trust the right thinking people of Scotland with these decisions. I know they will make the right choices for Scotland not like they Westminster types who couldnae organise a breath hole straw for who can drink a bottle o’ Buckie the fastest competition.
Last week, the SNP and Labouring party, representing nearly three quarters of Scotland’s numpties, voted together to mitigate the consequences of the people of Scotland’s belief that the Scottish Parliament is a waste of time and money.
The key word, presiding heidy, is mitigate. But why should we be limited to a mere defending of the impact of the Scottish Parliament across our nation? The opposition today would have us stand back and say that very little is enough. And they’d be right, because most folk huv hud enough.
Enough o’ the SNP and its constant harping on about independence.
The message and vision is clear – two and a half more years of soul destroying schism and division amongst the ‘right thinking’ and ‘needin corrected thinking’ Scots. Last Friday, the co-convener of the Extortionate Fuel Bill Party, Patacake Harvie, and I took part in the launch of JUST SAY YES Scotland – the dumbest community-led campaign ever mobilised in a cinema multiplex involving non-dom luvvies, grassroots nutjobs and blind faith independence ambassadors.
Already we have 15,000 Twitter followers complaining that they never signed up to the Yes Declaration. We’re also claiming well over 3,000 volunteers kiddin on they’ll support the campaign. And, regretfully, we would have got away wi’ it if it hudnae been fur they pesky Twittering kids.
We have welcomed rich people from all privileged backgrounds, and from all Nationalist persuasions. What unites all these people from the breadth of society in Scotland is the common cause that fools seldom differ. We believe that the people who care most about power in Scotland, that is the front bench of the Scottish Nationalist Party, should be in charge of our nation’s future.
No one will do as good a job for my country than me and my ego itself. And that is why being independent will enable my career to make the progress it needs to, so I can realise my potential and build a Scotland PLC that is poorer, meaner and more Thatcherite than Scotland is today.
In about 8760 tortuous hours the Scottish Government will publish a shite paper setting out the delusions of the independence prospectus. It will present the Nationalist’s case for independence and the starting point for my ego – how I will govern.
It will be the detritus that is put before the flock of Scotland in 2014. And that starting point will be a single person parliament, with a Supreme President and Underlings selected by me as it is today. Elections using the SAME system of disproportional list representation. Local government with the SAME powers and responsibilities (ie nane). A High Court and Court of Session that dae whit they’re telt by us.
It will set out a UNIONIST agenda where Scotland is a member of the European UNION, that has the UNIONIST Queen as our Head of State and UNIONIST sterling as our currency. On our first day as an independent UNIONIST country, this is how indifferent Scotland will be.
I remember ducking and diving alongside members from the Labouring Party and the Liberal Judasprats in 1997 for a Scottish Parliament. We agreed, in the words of the Scotland Act itself, that there shall be a Scottish Parliament, but we differed in our vision of what our Parliament would do and what it could become.
For the SNP and the Liberal Judasprats, devolution was only one step on Scotland’s destitutional journey. I argued for an autocratic Scotland then and now. The Liberals argued for a more politically correct parliament, at least they did then.
On oor oil policy, oor people policy, oor approach to oor environment – we each offered different visions of how we might use the new Parliament’s powers to make Scotland better for ‘us’. Of course, these issues were not decided by the referendum in 1997, but in the first Scottish election in 1999, and, I am pleased to say, ‘corrected’ in subsequent elections!
And so too with an independent Parliament. Oor propaganda campaign is for a Parliament with the full powers of an independent Alex Salmond. It is a campaign which has at its heart a self-evident distortion – it will be fundamentally better for all Nats, if decisions about my future, about my well-being and success, are taken by the people who care most about Scotland, that is by the actors and luvvies and media moguls who don’t live here.
Together, they are the ones with the greatest stake in our nation’s future tax rules. And that is why Scotland’s future should be in my hands.
With independence I can exploit our vast resources to work for the benefit of my party and my rich friends, creating a competitive economy and in doing so creating new opportunities for corporate hucksters and new styles of MacJobs.
Saving and syphoning off oor offshore wealth as the guarantee of a safer, more secure future for me is just one one part of my agenda. Scotland, not just a nation of Nationalist hucksters, but of Nationalist huckster potentials fulfilled.
As an independent Firstminster I will speak with my own voice, choose my own direction and contribute in my own distinct way. I will do so by negotiating a new, more partisan partnership on these isles, a partnership fit for my 21st century needs – a social UNION OF United Kingdoms, replacing the political UNION that is long past my contempt. Weaker apart as unequals.
Presiding Heidy, I want Scotland to be independent not because I think that I am better than any other country, but because I know I am better than any other country.
So lets build a Scotland that’s meaner, that’s duller and more presbyterian. Scotland is nearly there anyway thanks to my legislation.
These are extracts from Sun King Alex of Salmond’s unilateral declaration of self interest in the Scottish Parliament today. If you agree that Scotland should be independent wi’ this lot in power, you probably need yer heid looked at.