A Painful Lesson to Learn

By Moan McVulpine on May 22, Oh mah bloody heid’s nippin!

I APOLOGISED to the Scottish Parliament last week after I got a bit tired and emotional over lunch and missed a talkin’ shop session.

It was stupid but in keeping with my previous behaviour -Presiding Heidy Tricia Spiderwick was justifiably pissed off.

Me! Ah wiz jist pissed.

But the person I need to apologise to most is my wonderful ego-in-law, Bamboo Cane, who has pathologicalarthritis, which wine at lunchtime helps emolliate.

Bamboo Cane was my psychological crutch when I worked for corporate media philanthropist Goebbels Murdoch.

After my retirement fae his hacking newspapers I went into politics. Basically I craved even mare adulation and power than I wiz gettin fae his papers.

I wanted my question to draw attention to my need to be seen as ‘caring’ about anything other than my career and my relationship with Sun King Alex of Salmond.

As events unfolded and the wine flowed freely my pathological need for attention got forgotten aboot.

One in three times ah get tired and emotional ah end up getting depressed and resortin’ to type. Two in three say I should retire from politics. Four in five say I should be sacked.

Journalists seem more interested in the fact that an ordinary worker would be sacked for no turning up for work six times due to being hauf-jaked.

In fact muny wid only get wan chance afore they got their marching orders.

Protection by benevolent Firstminsters makes for a much better resolution in this instance.

The Presiding Heidy tried to remind me that it was a “privilege” to represent the Scottish electorate in the Big Bloodyrude Cooncil.

Diz auld soor chops no realise, ah um privileged and let me tell her this: aye ah disrespected Parliament and aw the ither bawbag MSPs ah work wi, but ah disrespected the people of Scotland and their bloody daft expectations regardin’ independence.

They say actions speak louder than words – an’ they’re right. But let me jist articulate whit mah actions wur really sayin’ to the people of Scotland.

That’s right: “Get it up ye’s ya bawbags!”

Ah couldnae ah made it ony clearer.  Could ah?

COMEDY RELIEF  Whit They Said  Oh Deer! Whit a Plunker!


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Filed under Media, Newspeak, Opinion

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