Oh Deer! Whit a plunker!

Didnae Go lassie didnae go. Went and played truant wi’ yer mare important pals insteed. Sod the parliament and the people o’ Scotland. Ye know it makes lunch!

Anti-Scots and contemptuous, a tired and emotional, McAlpine provided six o’ the worst reasons for plunkin the Big Cooncil ever. Still, Wee Eck had already set a precedent earlier in the day when he refused to be held to account by the Tories Truth Davidson over his hacking phone.

By Sixutha Best

FIRSTMINISTERIAL PARENTS of political aides in Scotland who persistently truant should have their political aide benefit cut, according to a key government adviser on parliamentary behaviour.

The government’s expert adviser on pisspoor behaviour, Mike Bernhard Rust-ell, has told the Scotland Today programme that “swift and certain” benefit cuts should be introduced for Firstminsters of truanting parliamentary aides.

Presiding Heidy of the Scottish Parliament Trisha Spiderwick echoed the calls and was keen to stress the importance of attendance at Bloodyrude.

She said: “It’s no as if it’s no a big deal or nuthin, but skanks who plunk the parliament get on oor collective t*ts.

“Playing footsie wi’ the Firstminster might be mare important to some o’ yoo bawbags, but I’ve got bloody arthritis in my big tae because o’ it.

“Wur wan o’ yoos no supposed tae be daein sumthin aboot that?”

Queen bourgeoisie ego and Firstminsterial sex aide Moan McVulpine was left eating humble pie in parliament today efter being caught plunkin it.

Incredibly, it wasn’t even a first offense. This was the SIXTH time for Ms McVulpine.

Having previously polished off smoked venison with Strathdon Blue cheese dressing and poached red wine pear, Ms McVulpine proceeded to no bother her arse gettin hersel intae parliament.

Drunk on power and half pished on Châteauneuf-du-Pape, Ms McVulpine was unceremoniously humiliated by the Presiding Heidy.

In a cringewurthy climbdown, Ms McVulpine said: “Ahm sorry. I didnae mean it as much this time as I meant it the last time and the time before that and the time before that and the ither times.

“Ah take my duties seriously – honest!”

Spokesperson for the Firstminster, Wee Naebudy said: “Moan dis an excellent job at plunkin the parliament for the Firstminster.”

Whit others said about Moanie

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