Monthly Archives: April 2012

Billy Connolly set to be new Queen of Scotland

Scots have last laugh delivering comedy snub to her majesty the queen.

By Hugh Urwe

"Don't vote for politicians it only encourages them" said Queen Billy, yesterday

THE MAJORITY of Scots believe that Billy Connolly should replace the Queen as head of state according to a new survey of Scottish identity.

Despite constant BBC nagging that the real Queen’s Diamond jubilee is taking place across the UK, only 41% of Scots surveyed had the guts to admit they even knew who she was.

South of the Border, 8o per cent said the Queen should stop subsidising the whinging Jocks, while 35 per cent of the Welsh reckoned she should be hung, drawn, quartered and displayed on the rugby posts at the Millennium Stadium.

The YouGov poll found 55 per cent of Scots said the Queen should go back to Germany where she came from and that she should pack Charles in a basket as he has always been viewed as a basket case in Scotland.

More Scots, 58 per cent, would like to see a new king on the throne, King Billy, a non-resident Scottish comedian famous for walking off the stage in front of 1690 pro-monarchy hecklers.

Another 84 per cent would like to see provincial poet Rabbie Burns make an appearance at the Edinburgh festival, preferably in a face off with Jimmy Carr or the Guvnor.

Shortbread tins and Highland toffee instilled a sense of pride in 96 per cent of respondents and Ben Nevis has been mooted by 75 per cent as the politician most worth watching at Holyrood.

Called into question

The revelations have called into question the royal love-in credentials of Sun King Alex of Salmond who enjoys horse racing with HRH.

The survey carried out for the think-tank Unionist No-Future, also revealed that more than half of Scots, 52 per cent, believe that to be truly Scottish, people need to get aw maudlin and dewy eyed on New Years day when some joker plays Caledonia by Frankie Miller.

John Poultice, professor of surveys at Strathclyde University, said the low level of identification with Scottishness that the Queen inspired was “not surprising.”

When pressed for an explanation he said: “We aw remember her beltin oot ‘Rebellious Jocks to crush’ in that dirge she hid a cheek to caw a National anthem.

“And we’re aw mind a’ whit her gay son Edward did to Wee Wullie Wallace.

“It’s aboot time she gied us back oor oil an’ aw.”

Bullingdon Dave Camoron wasn’t available for comment as he was too busy having a cold tax free pasty with Devolution jam.”

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Filed under Culture, Media, Morality

MacAesops Fables #8 – The Firstminster and the Wind Snake

Our eighth Sunday outpouring of sanctimony and self-righteous morality to be taken as seriously as Bill Walker’s ‘family man’ claims

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks

ONE PARLIAMENT, a Firstminster found a snake stiff and frozen with investment cold. He had self-serving compassion upon it, and taking up its case, placed it to his bosom.

The snake was quickly revived by the warmth, and resuming its natural instincts, bit its benefactor, inflicting on him a serious wound.

“Oh”, cried the Firstminster with a disbelieving breath, “I am rightly served for pitying a scoundrel.”

Analysis: The most obvious Trumpton moral in the taking things literally sense is: “The greatest kindness will not bind the ungrateful.” But, taken into consideration, in terms of the Firstminster, the moral is more likely: “Could ye no have seen it comin ya daftie.”

For more morally superior and vacuous posturing click on the Fable category to the right.

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Filed under Environment, Fable

Merger an option for Labour post cooncil elections thrashing

As Labour increasingly look like they’re going to get the kicking they deserve in the Scottish cooncil independence ‘dry run’ elections, radical proposals have been leaked to the media.

Bad cooncillors are sent to Cooncils by guid folk who don't vote. Wurth keepin in mind cum 3rd May.

By Koodye Believit

AN ORGANISATION set up in the late 1800s and which boasts more than 200,000 members, trade unionists and activists could merge with the Conservative party in Scotland.

It is one of three previously unthinkable options being explored by the grassroots of the Scottish Labour Party.

Maintaining the status quo and a reconstituted Devo Lite Scottish Parliament option are also on the table.

A review team plans to report to the National Executive after  3rd May, depending on how harrowing the upcoming  cooncil thrashing will be.

The Scottish Labour Party’s previous record of power includes forming a coalition with lickspittle whores the Liberal Democrats, putting their foot down on dog dirt and keeping the Scottish Parliament’s profile at Parish Cooncil level.

This ‘proud’ record had been produced and executed by its own members and was considered a ‘divine’ gift which the people of Scotland should be grateful for.

But, incomprehensibly for the party, the ungrateful Scots had proven ‘too stupid’ to appreciate their valiant efforts, leaving it in a quandary.

Lack of intellectual rigour, direction and focus, had also been pinpointed for the party’s collapse in May 2011.

Looking around parliament, they realised that the Conservatives had remained consistent in their political objectives and doctrine.

Faced with the prospect of independence and having to act on their own initiative, the plan was mooted that they should merge with the Conservatives because the Scots probably wouldn’t notice the difference.

Blackwhite principle

In a pamphlet entitled ‘Whit can we dae? Help somebudy – please!’ Scottish Labour’s driving force, Tom Harass, argued in favour of the previously unthinkable merger.

He said: “We operate on the blackwhite principle regarding the SNP – whitever they say or dae, we dae or say the opposite.

“Since the SNP have become the equivalent of the auld Labour party, we must oppose them and the closest party to that doctrine ur the Tories.

“Therefore it is only natural that we merge wi’ them cos, realistically, there isnae much difference onyways other than them being mare consistent.”

Tom Harass is currently assisting the psychiatric community with their enquiries.

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Filed under Culture, Diplomacy, Labour

Scottish cooncil witch hunts: SNP manifesto at-a-glance

The SNP cooncil witch hunt manifesto has pledged to put the party and their cooncillors across Scotland at the forefront of its campaigns.

The party also wants to stuff public disaffection doon the throats of all the other parties while bribing cooncil tax beneficiaries with some financial jiggery pokery

Here is a look at the main policies:

  • Build 5000 reasons to vote for independence.
  • Maintain silence on any projects that look like going belly up.
  • Raid pension pots for headline making vote winning projects.
  • Exploit anything that can be Trumped up as good news.
  • Go to court using taxpayer money to supress any stories potentially embarrassing to SNP.
  • Get help from Goebbels Murdoch at strategically useful times.
  • Design more tartan and shortbread tins to appeal to American billionaires.
  • Bribe cooncil tax beneficiaries in cynical vote winning strategy.
  • Keep shtoom on future corporation tax policy for benefit of tax avoiding sharks.
  • Guarantee positive learning or training statistics for 16 – 19 year olds
  • Keep beating teachers over head with line that “Indoctrination of Pure Excellence” is good for education.
  • Bleed Councils dry of potential funds until after 2014 referendum
  • Introduce highly dubious wage by April 2013
  • Make no mention of Gay marriage in muslim voting areas

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Filed under New Bills, Newspeak

Salmond sings the Sound of Silence

“The greatest triumphs of propaganda have been accomplished, not by doing something, but by refraining from doing. Great is truth, but still greater, from a practical point of view, is silence about truth.” — Aldous Huxley. 

Sun King Alex of Salmond was exposed at the Big Bloodyrude Cooncil for keeping shtoom aboot Doosan for fear of it affecting the Local Cooncil elections. Here are the lyrics of the new Silent and Carbuncle song.

Lamentable Lament gied Salmond a Doosan over Doosan. How embarrassing wis that?

By Dee Septive

Hello Doosan, my old friend I’ve had to talk about you again

Because a vision softly creeping

Got fun oot while I was sleeping

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Is Lamont’s insane

Within the sound of my silence

`

In visionary dreams I walked alone

Narrow straits cut to the bone

‘Neath the halo of a wind turbine

Three hunner jobs a PR coup was mine

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a Labour shite

That split my visionary sight

And touched the sound of my silence

`

And in Firstminsters Questions I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more

People talking without speaking

People hearing without listening

People condemning me for the info I never shared

And no one dared

Disturb the sound of my silence

`

“Fools”, said I, “You do not know

Since December when there was snow

Doosan shafted me and turned the screw

I zipped my mooth and it didn’t reach you

But my words, like silent raindrops fell

And echoed

In the wells of my silence

`

And the people bowed and prayed

To Abu Dhabi when we said…

And the sign flashed out its warning

In the words that we were forming

And the sign said, “The words of the prophet Lamont are written on the BBC walls

And internet halls

And whispered in the sounds of my silence”

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Filed under Environment, Media, Newspeak

U-turn cos we want to

Unholy Alliance says upcoming SNP manifesto changes are ‘hysterical’ wind farming

By Toofaced Ansleekit

CLAIMS THAT independence will be damaged by the wind of manifesto changes blowing through the SNP are based on “emotion, hysteria and conjecture”, an independence group has said.

Hamish Heckler, of the Scotch Democratic Alliance, told MSPs there was “little evidence” of the changes interesting voters.

Mr Heckler said that manifesto change research was last carried out in 2011 but was now “way out of date.”

But the Ditherers Scotland Group claimed fundamental manifesto tinkering threatens the SNP’s integrity and core support.

Emotional
Giving evidence to Bloodyrude’s Plausibility Committee, which is looking into the actual chance of pulling off independence in 2014, Mr Heckler said: “Much of the argument so far has been from the emotional side.

“Everyone has a view that longstanding principles should be adhered to.

“But, gie a megalomaniac a whiff o’ the idea o’ a’ smidgeon o’ power and everything gets ditched.”

He said there were about four or five manifesto pledges due for the boot, with another 24 under consideration, but admitted there were many unanswered questions about their impact.

Mr Heckler added: “What we end up with is extreme views and cybernat wars on Twitter, Facebook and the Blogosphere.

“What we hear is the extreme views, the hysterical people who say ‘we don’t want manifesto changes’, but that is just emotional.”

However, pressure group Scottish Ditherers said the changes were threatening the SNP’s reputation as a party with socially just policies and a distinct difference from other parties.

Long Shanker, lead proponent of the Ditherers said in response to Mr Heckler’s comments: “I agree there is an issue with timing and the position is inconclusive.

Folly
“But Christ, it would be unpardonable folly to join Nato noo, or doff the Tam O’Shanter tae the Queen – and don’t get me sterted on nuclear submarines, never mind Corporate governance.”

The Scottish government said the likelihood of indie smooth had continued to grow, and if it meant ditching a few core manifesto principles then so be it.

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Filed under CyberNats, Media, New Bills

A foggy future well mapped oot

By Moan McVulpine on Apr  17 – in the bath

IMAGINE IF the Economist, or any other English magazine, had published a column by an MSP called Joan McAlpine, and proceeded to systematically denigrate non ‘right thinking’ people as Anti-Scottish.

Nothing worthy of note or interest would happen.

Last week, Glasgow-based Hun-wing comic, The Daily Record, featured Joan McAlpine as someone with a credible opinion in their columns.

If they’d done this with any other implausible politician, it would have caused a diplomatic stooshie.

But, when The Daily Record came out, I was in the bath with three other MSPs – the Indpendent Jihadist Abu Qatada , Nae-Respect Fir-Hissel’s Job Galloway and Fantasy Dreamboat Eyelasher Humza Yumza.

Not one of them would condemn this column. I like to be condemned because it makes me feel like a naughty girl – especially when I’m in hot water so to speak.

I prefer the alternative column by a mystery internet anti-Scottish hate blinded idiot going by the name of Longshanker.

Called Scotchland’s Intolerantly Foxy Xenophobe it pastiches the Daily Record column and attempts to satirise that which is beyond parody.

Scotland is a cranky wee country thanks to unlimited methadone, surplus Buckfast, world leading sectarianism and oor plentiful supply of the wet unpleasant stuff – Cybernats.

Even the Daily Record’s ither columns agree we are the most fractious in-fighters in the rUK outside of the Old Infirm party.

We have weathered the dullness of the Independence consultations worse than the rest of the UK and it’s beginning to show.

The latest figures highlight that the SNP’s potential for in-fighting was directly proportional to the number of long standing manifesto pledges it dropped, abandoned or simply chose to forget aboot.

So luk oot. This deficit of internal debate is aboot to turn intae a surplus – and we huvnae even reached the outcome of the neverendum consultation yet.

The rigid draconian discipline imposed on the Party by Sun King Alex of Salmond might jist stert to unravel if treacherous dummy spitting rabble rousers like Jimbob Sillars get their way.

The Scotland’s Independent Woman column, like most independence whinging, is classic pishtalk tinkling on the cheeny urinal of political sewage.

So why are Sun King Salmond, Auld Nick Sturgeon and er, whoever, so keen to drop everything that makes the SNP different from the Unholy Alliance of Unionista parties?

We could be payin a high price if we keep trustin the integrity of the SNP.

It could mean a Murdoch dominated press, takin part in wars cos we huv tae dae whit we’re telt, and bowin to auld Queenie and her dumplin offspring.

So nae chinge there then. Jist like wi’ every ither dumb ego driven politicians on the make.

COMEDY RELIEF

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