Billy Connolly set to be new Queen of Scotland

Scots have last laugh delivering comedy snub to her majesty the queen.

By Hugh Urwe

"Don't vote for politicians it only encourages them" said Queen Billy, yesterday

THE MAJORITY of Scots believe that Billy Connolly should replace the Queen as head of state according to a new survey of Scottish identity.

Despite constant BBC nagging that the real Queen’s Diamond jubilee is taking place across the UK, only 41% of Scots surveyed had the guts to admit they even knew who she was.

South of the Border, 8o per cent said the Queen should stop subsidising the whinging Jocks, while 35 per cent of the Welsh reckoned she should be hung, drawn, quartered and displayed on the rugby posts at the Millennium Stadium.

The YouGov poll found 55 per cent of Scots said the Queen should go back to Germany where she came from and that she should pack Charles in a basket as he has always been viewed as a basket case in Scotland.

More Scots, 58 per cent, would like to see a new king on the throne, King Billy, a non-resident Scottish comedian famous for walking off the stage in front of 1690 pro-monarchy hecklers.

Another 84 per cent would like to see provincial poet Rabbie Burns make an appearance at the Edinburgh festival, preferably in a face off with Jimmy Carr or the Guvnor.

Shortbread tins and Highland toffee instilled a sense of pride in 96 per cent of respondents and Ben Nevis has been mooted by 75 per cent as the politician most worth watching at Holyrood.

Called into question

The revelations have called into question the royal love-in credentials of Sun King Alex of Salmond who enjoys horse racing with HRH.

The survey carried out for the think-tank Unionist No-Future, also revealed that more than half of Scots, 52 per cent, believe that to be truly Scottish, people need to get aw maudlin and dewy eyed on New Years day when some joker plays Caledonia by Frankie Miller.

John Poultice, professor of surveys at Strathclyde University, said the low level of identification with Scottishness that the Queen inspired was “not surprising.”

When pressed for an explanation he said: “We aw remember her beltin oot ‘Rebellious Jocks to crush’ in that dirge she hid a cheek to caw a National anthem.

“And we’re aw mind a’ whit her gay son Edward did to Wee Wullie Wallace.

“It’s aboot time she gied us back oor oil an’ aw.”

Bullingdon Dave Camoron wasn’t available for comment as he was too busy having a cold tax free pasty with Devolution jam.”

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