Scottish Independence: Who bored who first and who cares

Unionist and SNP online consultations prove beyond reasonable doubt that the only thing as pointless as a politician’s pledge is the findings of an online consultation

"It's worth remembering that the electorate are statistics. Voters are people." said a stoned voter yesterday.

By Reffy Rendum

There is “overwhelming” evidence that Scottish voters being asked to answer single or multiple consultative questions about the forthcoming independence referendum have been bored to tears.

The conclusion was backed by 75% of the five and a half million Scottish population who are now believed to be suffering from rigidus boredicus stifficus syndrome.

The results come amid shrieking claims and omens of portent that the increasing tedium of who emailed what to who, where and when, how and why, where and whit fur, anonymously or made up, was already responsible for spontaneous ossification metamorphosis in normal civic citizens.

Anglo Sheriff of Boredingham Michael Mooron said his government’s proposals had already delivered Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva (Stone Man Syndrome) to 2857 non-responsive Scots.

According to the Institute for Old Rope Studies, the average online consultation attracts loonies, half-wits, morons, dullards, and cybernats like an ultra violet light attracts house flies and fleas.

Democracy is an abuse of statistics

Professor Couldnae Makeitup said: “We are the most boring studies institute in the history of boredom and even we’re bored.

“The only folk remotely interested in these consultations are Cobol programmers, retired jelly bean counters and mad dog conspiracy theorist cybernats.”

Sun King of the sedimentary cybernats, Alex of Salmond, added his considerable weight to the argument.

He said: “The Union consultation has eroded the soil upon which we had built a rock of trust. Thanks for letting the cat oot o’ the bag ya bams. We could’ve run wi’ this aw the way doon tae a second Devo Max question.”

Another, equally boring, consultation’s results and statistics are due sometime in May.

Just like Anglo-Narnia after the Unionist White Witch’s consultation, half of the population are expected to be turned to stone in anticipation.

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