Thoughtcrime loudspeakers in East Scotland set to warn asocial types

Pilot measure put in place as part of final solution to deal with Scotland’s smokers, drinkers, fatties and free thinkers

Defending the move, a Scottish spokesperson for Amorous International said: "We Scots are not as think as you drunk we are."

By Clampin Doon

SMOKERS WHO light up out of doors, drinkers who step on cracks on pavements, fatties who wash down burgers with fizzy drinks, and SNP abstainers exhibiting anti-Scottish behaviour, are set to trigger experimental alarms and loudspeaker messages telling them to stop.

The new scheme, currently being piloted in the Forth Valley area of Eastern Scotland, could pave the way for one of the biggest social experiments seen in the country since Big Sister Thatcher imposed the Poll Tax.

Scotch Gauleiters hope the measures will deter suspected deviants and asocial types who “continually” ignore what is good for them.

If the scheme proves workable, non-compliant behaviour will be banned thoughout a Scotland already galvanised by Pre-independence tension sufferage (PITS).

The new alarms and loudspeakers are set to be installed in all main thoroughfares and will work in tandem with Closed Circuit Television Cameras.

Bloodyrude Gauleiters say they want to see a “cultural change”, where people find that it’s no longer acceptable to oppose the needs of civic Nationalism.

If the alarm system proves a successful deterrent, they may also be fitted within homes, probably somewhere in the internal workings of the Telescreen.

Nosey Dogooder, from facilitation company Willdo, which manages the new systems said: “Despite constant warnings and attempts at re-education, people continue to do what they want.
“The result is pluralistic tolerance of other people’s differences. This is not conducive to civic Nationalism.
“Even thinking about lighting up or opening a bottle of alchohol or eating unhealthy food or not voting SNP will set off the message and I hope this will encourage people to stop being so selfish.”

Bloodyrude Gauleiters said figures reveal that nearly 3.14  million people in Scotland live by thinking for themselves, with above average numbers of radicals congregating in the East  and West Coasts of the country.

Health and Sanitation Gauleiter, Auld Nick Sturgeon added: “I am in no doubt that the vast majority of SNP voters, members and cabinet ministers want a thoughtcrime free environment and agree that people thinking for themselves is unacceptable.”

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