Auld Nick launches Jakey apartheid

Gauleiter for Health and Sanitation vows to make excessive drinking the sole preserve of the middle and upper classes

By Ratil Lynne

WORKING CLASS and underclass drinking aspirations are set to be smashed following last night’s vote at the Big Bloodyrude Cooncil.

The plans were approved in principle by 86 votes to nil, with 32 abstentions, to tax alcohol beyond the affordability limit of Neds, Rockets, Buckfast Commandos, minimum wage types and Jakey Basturts.

A first attempt to pass the bill by the SNP was defeated by an unholy alliance of bleeding heart Liberal drunkards and Labouring reactionary terrorists.

"I will execute great vengeance on them with furious taxes; and they shall know that I am the Gauleiter of Health and Sanitation."

MSPs voted on the first stage of the Scottish government’s Alcohol Apartheid Bill on Wednesday afternoon.

Speaking ahead of the debate, Health and Sanitation Gauleiter, Auld Nick Sturgeon, telt Bloodyrude that punitive action must be taken to “stem the number of lowlife types who think they can get pished with impunity like their betters”.

She added: “It’s time these wee Neds caught the magic bullet and accepted the joyless, humourless, smoke free, thoughtcrime free reality of the SNP world.

“It is essential if we are going to make a significant contribution to the reduction of non-SNP voting behaviour suffered in every community in Scotchland.”

Auld Nick promised she would allow the middle and upper classes to continue getting ‘mad wi’ it’ on their premium wines and malt whiskies so long as they continued to go to work and pay their taxes.

Nelson Mandela fired a friendly ‘magic bullet’ of warning to Auld Nick regarding this new form of economic and social apartheid.

He said: “There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its Jakeys. Heed my warning lest I send Winnie on a wee visit to persuade you otherways.”

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1 Comment

Filed under Culture, Morality, New Bills

One response to “Auld Nick launches Jakey apartheid

  1. Pingback: Al Capone’s Dream. | underdogs bite upwards

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