SNP pledge to make Independent Scotchland a ‘joyless’ place to live

Gauleiter for Health and Sanitation urges drinks industry to assist with plan to tax alcohol out of existence

By Wanfur Therode

SCOTCHLAND’S problem with Buckfast Commandos and Frosty Jack Rockets could soon be a thing of the past according to SNP Gauleiters.

Auld Nick Sturgeon, Gauleiter for Health and Sanitation, has alcohol pricing, production and distribution firmly in her sights – and she’s aiming for a final solution resulting in total liquidation.

SNP activists and zealots have learned the lesson of the smoking ban, enacted in 2006, which led to thousands of humourless Presbyterians coming out of the pulpit and voting for the party in electon winning, government forming, numbers.

The Scotch Government hopes to follow on from this success by achieving a change in the alcohol law by the summer.

They say this will allow them time to prepare the electorate for Oct 2014 and their brave new vision of a booze free, smoke free, thoughtcrime free, joyless Independent Scotchland.

Temperance campaigners, prohibitionists and Sun King worshippers alike are all praying that there will be no legal challenge from the alcohol industry.

Momentum for the Intolerance Movement – the enforcement wing of the party – is growing everyday in Scotchland. They are expected to take matters into their own hands should opposition arise.

Echoing Gauleiter, Bernhard Mike Rust-ell’s, offer to ‘help’ individual teacher’s with ‘re-education’, Auld Nick claimed that the party were aiming to create booze free camps to assist alcohol drinker’s concentration.

She said: “These new concentration camps will help those with a love of alcohol to reflect on the error of their ways. Alcohol abuse costs our hallowed nation millions in uncollected taxes and associated social problems such as not voting SNP. People need our tough love approach in order to wean them from their addiction to this scourge of decent society.”

Yesterday, Scottish Business appeared to be backing the Health and Sanitation Gauleiter’s stance. Scottish Blend Tea and Tunnocks have both seen increases in sales since they were endorsed by the Sun King and Goebbels Murdoch at their Bute House party earlier in the year.

Auntie Oxidant, spokesperson for Scottish Blend, said: “When the most powerful media magnate in the world and the Anointed One, Sun King Alex of Salmond, drink your product in the corridors of power, you know that you’re onto a winner.”

Karm El Log, spokesperson for Tunnocks said: “We are as much a part of the Scottish zeitgeist as ginger pubes and deep fried Mars Bars. The Sun King knows this and that is why he anoints our product.”

MSP Sandra Aw-White, who smokes, drinks, swears and farts like a heathen, disagreed and said the party of independence should not be restricting personal freedoms. She is now expected to be one of the first to experience the tough love approach of the concentration camps.

If you encounter someone who is incredibly uptight, judgemental, humourless and a bit thick it can all be terribly vexing, until you notice the SNP badge.

So, let’s look forward to living with these people in a new cringing, joyless, smoke free, booze free, thoughtcrime free, humour free, Scotchland.

Hurrah, we can hardly wait. Roll on October 2014.

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Filed under Culture, New Bills, Newspeak

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