Auld Nick’s eulogy spectacularly fails in bid to pour cold water on hot air ballooning ego.
By Whitta Blowhard
SUN KING Alex of Salmond is set to eclipse Ghandi and Nelson Mandela in the sainthood stakes it was claimed by scunnered heathen Unionyptians yesterday.
Clip moothed attack terrier, Auld Nick Sturgeon, attempted to reign in the fervour of the party’s faithful subjects but was visibly overcome by the charisma of the anointed one’s divine intervention on stage.
It had seemed like just another party conference set to celebrate the 2011 Bloodyrude victory of the forces of righteousness over the oppressive Unionyptians in the ongoing War of Devolution.
But, in front of the Telescreen cameras, Glesca witnessed the second coming in the form of the Sun King; it became a communal epiphany etched on the Nationalist consciousness for eternity.
No one was more overcome than Auld Nick herself. Struggling to remain on her feet, she spoke clearly and unwaveringly in her attempt to placate the Sun King’s welcome to the humble terrain of Glesca.
In order to impart a sense of the atmosphere and general feeling of adulation, we publish a transcript of her welcoming eulogy here:
“Oh humble subjects, though I am not worthy, it gives me great pleasure to introduce the main event of our conference, the address by the Anointed One, the proclamation to conference by our Sun King, Alex of Salmond.
“Now, when I revealed our Sun King to the conference back in October I was able to announce to you that he had just been awarded the South Australia Divine Intervention Leadership award.
“Since then, the Anointed One has won the Herald Hand of God of the year award; the UK Theological Studies Association Messiah of the year award; the Spectator Magazine’s Nationalistic Saviour of the year award; and the Narcissists Vanity award at the Scottish Green vanity awards.
“Now, you mere mortals thought I used to have a tough time keeping his feet on the ground didn’t you? But then, after all of that, on the 27th of December last year, our Sun King was awarded the Times 2011 Murdoch Midas Touch Sun King of the Year Award.
But I think it’s part of my job to bring this hot air balloon’s feet back down to earth. So, I’m gonna remind him today that he’s in Glesca, the grating City of Glesca. and in Glesca yer naebody until ye’ve won the Evening Times Cheshire Cat that got the Cream award.
Humble subjects, our Sun King is a worthy, an extremely worthy recipient of all of these awards. He has led our party to unprecedented success.
But even more importantly than that he has brought the War of Devolution to life and he has put our country’s reputation on the line.
Delegates he is our righteous leader, he is Scotland’s Sun King. I ask you now to welcome to the stage with rapturous applause the Sun King, Alex of Salmond.