Moribund old blue print unveiled – every Jock set to be a benefits slave.
By Getty Phuck
OPTIMUS Prime, Bullingdon Dave, has finally announced an historic shake up of the rebellious Jocky devolution system in which claiming independence is regarded as an acceptable alternative to decent governance.
The Etonian Faghammer said the measures, designed to curb subsidised dependency, would encourage the Jockies to find their proper place in decent imperial society.
Set out in the Devolution Minus – Work Sets You Free Independence Doesnae Bill, the Etonian Faghammer outlined several tired cliches designed to implement a ‘know your place’ responsibility for the United Kingdom’s most tiresome subjects.
Explaining the need for the Bill, he said: “I don’t know where these Trotskyite parasitic Jock sconners get their jumped up ideas from. If they think they can go on living at the expense of decent honest coalition members without giving something back in return, this Bill will soon set them straight.”
Controversially, the legislation proposes to include and merge elements of the widely lauded Work Sets You Free Programme. Any Jock deemed to be in need of ‘work experience’ will be press ganged into the navy, currently recruiting for a Malvinas holiday tour.
Emphasising the need to balance his black hole budget, Sitondefence Secretary, Philia Hamster, said: “Since I instituted inequality for Jock skirt wearers in December, numerous opportunities have opened up in the galleys of my submarines and other task force ships. This opportunity means the objectionable Jocks will eventually learn to love their masters and accept their station in life. It’s high time they understood that freedom means doing what the Unionistas tell you.”
The Bill which is set to be rubber stamped by The Other Apparatchik had one crucial amendment put in place to sidestep accusations of ‘coercion’. Bleeding heart liberal, Convince Able, responsible for the concession, said: “Once the task force has been at sea for a week, if the Jocks decide they don’t like it, they will be free to leave immediately.”
Opposition dissidents pointed out that this would leave the Jocks all at sea without a paddle. When pressed on the point a Unionista spokesperson said: “That is the beauty of this concession. If the Jocks should wish to exercise their right to freedom they will receive a mild lesson in the consequences of responsibility.”